I have dreaded every single Christmas to date. I know, I sound like the grinch but it’s true. I LOVE JESUS but as I touched on it briefly on a previous blog, I’ve really hated most family related events so lets add Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all the holidays while we’re at it. I just can’t wait until the day was over.
Why do you ask?
It hurts like hell.
It reminds me that my bipolar mother would rather spend Christmas alone than spend it with her own children. It reminds me that my Dad is no longer here and that in itself is enough to not want to celebrate. It reminds me that my family is and will never be like any other family let alone “perfect”. It reminds me that all other Christmases have ended in pain so what’s going to change? It’s never been my favourite time of the year because it reminds me of brokenness.
Now before you get all turned off by all of this and think “well maybe she should be thankful that she has a roof over her head and even gets the opportunity to celebrate Christmas” speech I’d like to say that I completely understand all that. I understand perspective and being grateful and I really am. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am so grateful for everything I have – but – it does not disqualify my current struggles.
I am learning that God is ever faithful. Yes, I had a pretty unfortunate.. actually I’m just going to say it… sh*t upbringing and having to process and deal with all of that crap is going to take a long time (thank God I have a very patient therapist!) but God IS faithful. I always wondered when it was going to be “my time”. The time when I would finally love Christmas (and anything related to family) and not have that stab-in-the-heart feeling every time it came around and in the last few months, I’ve seen a glimpse of it.
You see, for most of my life, starting from a very young age, I was forced to be a carer. I was a carer and mediator in my family and from then, I was just used to having to mature too early and deal with other people’s junk while putting mine to the wayside. It caused me to only ever have that mindset but to never truly trust and let anyone in. However, only recently have I realised that God has aligned people in my life so well that through the victory I gain from dealing with past hurt and trauma, he highlights to me how important they really are to my life but not just from me to them but from THEM TO ME. It was time for me to be cared for and he shows that through his people.. my church family.
So this Christmas, I hate it a little less and I trust a little more..
Why? Because I have church family who have opened their arms so I can spend Christmas with them. A very simple and small gesture to some but it means the world to me. It’s a safe place where I don’t have to mediate. I don’t have to stress. I don’t have to dread and for once in my life, I don’t have to want the day to be over.
It has rekindled my faith in that my God has everything sorted.
“A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely.” Psalm 68:5-6